Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
