Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
