I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Is Oprah even human
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
