woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
