I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
