omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
