Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
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Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
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I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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