bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
