I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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