My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
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A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
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Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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