he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
jump out the window naked night went bad
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
