my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
