A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
