I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
