i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
