I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
