Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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