My Higher Power is John Stamos
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
