It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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