Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
