i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
