my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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