I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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