Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
