mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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