i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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