I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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