Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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