The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
operation have a gay friend backfired
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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