I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
