The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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