It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
