Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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