I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
