then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
