Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
your room smells of hookers.
And success
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
