he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Enjoy the penises
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
