It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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