i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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