Just fell off a train. Bad.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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