she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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