I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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