a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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