My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
