I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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