my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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