Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
