It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
