hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
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ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
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Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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