God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
