in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
