God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
