Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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