i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
