So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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