i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
