Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
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As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
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But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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