we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?