dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
